Denver, CO: Traveling to Denver? Great! There’s a mall on 16th Street called…the 16th Street Mall. And the airport has the highest quality public bathroom toilet paper that has ever touched my vagina. Forget about cabs, just rent a really big car. Oh, and everyone is homeless.

Seattle, WA: No one is homeless in Seattle, they look like that on purpose. Make sure you pack plenty of graphic t-shirts, because this place is a haven to the excessively cool. Every store has an amazing soundtrack. From the Jimmy Johns to the CB2 to the Starbucks, everywhere you go, your favorite songs mysteriously blare throughout the establishment. Except in Pike Place.

Atlanta, GA: Everything, and I mean everything, is legal in Atlanta. Las Vegas, NV has more restrictions than the capital of the Dirty South.

Washington, D.C.: Visiting the nation’s capital? You best be a homo, because there’s nothing for straight people to do in this town - except maybe go to a museum. Wait, this may be shocking to some lesbians: Ladies, straight people go to museums too. Just don’t look at them in the eyes and everything is going to be okay.

Boston, MA: Everywhere you go, you end up in the same place. It’s like being inside an M.C. Escher drawing, while on ‘shrooms’. Their “T” is the Cadillac of public transportation, but you haven’t lived until you’ve been a passenger in a cab that drives on the sidewalk. Cabbies will do this for five bucks extra. Oh, and don’t stand next to the statue of John Harvard.

San Francisco, CA: Everyone is too nice. Don’t trust the natives. They are up to something. But, if you haven’t been, you should go, seriously, it’s beautiful. Just don’t talk to people. They are aliens.

Houston, TX: Houston smells in a way that can cause you to contract cancer through your nose. It’s like getting shot-gunned by 30 chain smokers inside an elevator at the Excalibur in Vegas. Yet, the Margarita’s are amazing. Ah-ma-zing.

Maui, HI: Ah. Hawaii. It’s like walking around in a postcard. From the trees, to the weather, to the birds, everything is perfect. And it gets really old after a while. “Is that another rainbow? Fuckin’ hell!” It is worth it to endure this torture only to have the world’s best humus at Athens Greek Restaurant in Lahaina.

Jupiter, FL: It’s a beach town very, very far from South Beach. It is also very, very far from New Jersey. Making it the perfect place to hide former witnesses from the Gambino crime family trials. There is one fine dining Italian restaurant where dinner for two costs about $200. A price I gladly paid to be seated by Donatella Versace’s stunt double.

New York, NY: No one famous lives here. Also, no one from New York has ever moved to San Francisco. If it smells like crap, you’re close to where you’re supposed to be. Stay away from the Pig & Whistle. And, most importantly, you will never get tickets from Tickets for the show you want to see.